I think too much of it

I think of it too often.  Walking the hallways between rooms.  Being surrounded by it, unable to let go. I make plans with the intention of canceling them. Can't bring myself to show up.  All I want to do is sleep. I see a friend hard at work writing pages and pages and I can't get through a single 2 page essay

Mornings are the hardest.  Waking up to realize I'm still here. I need time off. But work keeps me grounded.

I want to float away. There is nothing here worth saving. Why even try. 

I've been running away from my mind for so long. Can I even stay for a day.

New year's resolution,  one day.  Just one. 

I regret you

All the time.  Every day.  I regret you.  Your smell and taste and body and bed and voice. Every day.  All the time. I regret you.

When I think about the day with the blade to my wrist I wonder if it was me calling from the future to say do it,  don't stop.  It doesn't get better.  But I got the measurements wrong and I called too late.  Or too early.  I couldn't stop myself from stopping. And is future me trying to get a hold of today me.  to say do it.  I dare you.  It doesn't get better. 

What a spoiled child I've been. 

What a spoiled child I am

The more things change the more they stay the same. 

I've never had a better job.

Every day in every way things are getting better and better. 

Why are men more violent in their suicide. 

Unsex me here and take my blood for gal

Good memories have a way of haunting too.

I was in a good mood and now all of a sudden, it's all gone.

I think it's because I thought of you. 

And all the ways everyone else is not you.

I am difficult to digest.

Difficult to be around.

Difficult to befriend. 

Difficult to care about. 

Difficult to love.

Problematic.

Anti-climactic.

Kindness from strangers makes me feel guilty.  I don't deserve anything good.

But today I just need to get through today.