How do I let someone in again. Am I scared or uninterested?

Sad day. Just a day. Still got up. Still worked out. Have not drowned myself in anyone, yet. Day is not over. Maybe tonight,  i'll fall asleep right away.  And your absence won't hurt as much, and tomorrow will be better.

Her: You get yourself through the moment. Every moment.
Me: for how long? How long do I want to be doing this for? How long do I have to?
Her: as long as it takes.
Me: it's been decades.  It will be decades more.  Is this really worth it.
Her: it MIGHT be- not it will be. You got through the hard part.  You are worth it.  So very very worth it.

Dear girl,  I'm going to numb myself with your skin. All lips and eyes and sweetness. Gonna whisper nothings in your ears, make your eyes close from the wanting.
Dear boy,  tell me you love me so I can walk away. Tell me you want me. Tell me you miss me.

Once I went on a long adventure with the you inside my head,  we had a whole life together.  When I came back,  I found you just as I left you,  but I was completely changed.  There are rabbit holes on my head, I can't help falling into them.  Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,  I was never falling for you,  only for the you shaped me inside my head. It was me I wanted all along.