Don't you know you are suffocating me.  I am drowning.  I can't breathe.

You are the vine squeezing.

Why does heading towards life have to feel like heading towards destruction.

I am not doing a very good job with things at the moment.  I am sitting literally unable to move.  Can't I just go home please.  Just for the next couple weeks.  Until all this is over. Until breathing isn't so hard.

If you know why a thing is happening,  it doesn't make the thing go away,  or make it any easier. How do you pretend to be human,  to be alive,  when everything you were died so long ago.

There's a story in here somewhere.  About the virgin mother. Making me woman,  giving me life.  But really she was a jealous God.  She wanted someone to be made in her image.  She didn't think things through.  Never considered what it is to trap someone inside a human body who was never supposed to be born. She was being vain and ignorant.

The beginning of the end

Everything dies. Everything ends. Everything always turns bitter and wrong.  I see the ending before we even begin.  This is how I know one day one of us will hurt the other. Everywhere I turn these days I am seeing into the past.  When S and I first began.  The glowing ignorant naivete. How we forgot it.

There were two people,  and one was calling her my girl in a way that said possession,  happiness,  falling in love.  The other said,  how do I trust her,  why am I here; in a way that said anger,  fear,  dislike,  mistrust. I know where the latter came from,  but I didn't know the former had ever existed.

And what is here now? A choice to become a friend,  a choice to block any present and future anything more than friends because all I know how to do is ruin and break and fear.  And she means more to me,  is too good for me, deserves so much better than me.

Brave

She called me brave.  But brave is only something you can be when you are scared but show up anyway,  I have never been brave.  I run away from everything that scares me. I wait, sometimes too late,  until i think I'm ready.  I do not jump in feet first into the abyss.  I never have.

So i know she is talking about herself.

So long ago he said du courage ma petit have courage my dear.  Be brave. And I wasn't. I slept in his bed and woke up screaming and crying and kicking every time.  And the bed is gone.  And he is gone.  And I still wake up crying and kicking and screaming sometimes.

Goodbye part 2

What a gift you gave me.  Closure and freedom.  One more reason to love you. And yes I still miss you every day.