OMG, stop being such a girl.

Nothing ever changes

When you left,  you took my life with you. And it took me a decade to remember what it was like to be alive. I just realized I'm picking up right where I left off. It's ten years later and here I am telling a boy I don't want to be in a relationship and whispering in his ear to make love to me. Both on the same day. Here I am missing a girl who lives across the country. It's 10 years later and still I am running into her arms on some crowded airport. Still waiting. Still unsure of myself. Am I doing more harm than good. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak? Yes. Definitely setting myself up. My heart is begging to be broken, if only to remember it still can. Because right now I have no idea. It's in so many pieces from when you left that I simply don't believe in love anymore.

I told him

This wasn't the hardest thing that I have ever done. Not even close. And yes it would have been so much easier to run and hide and fade. Stupid therapy. I feel like I'm becoming whole. I want to cry from joy but more importantly I want to continue trying to live this life. 

It is such a curious place though. So precarious. If I'm being honest, she is back. I thought she had left for good but she hasn't. She is knocking at the door. politely. Like: Hey, I'm here if you need me. But at least she is not demanding to be let inside. I think though, that she is distracted building me a coffin. 

Poem

This is where fear starts. In between coming and going. In between alive and death. She comes to me at night.  Climbs on my back. Tells me I'm such a pretty thing as she tears sharp fingernails inside. She says
Don't
Says Hide
Says Run
Says Protect
Says Close your eyes
Don't you know monsters can't see you if you close your eyes.
She whispers sweet nothings in my ear while she sews up all my soft places. Pours cement so no one can get through. Makes me a coffin to live in with her. Paints shiny pictures on the inside so I forget there was a world once.
I was a girl once
So long ago
Before I became this sharp edged thing.

Stop it, you're using him

When I remember that I am a horrible person who sucks at life and romantic entanglements, I realize it's better if I'm alone. But that's what i am anyway.

It's 3 am again.
How do you give your heart away when you know it's only going to get trampled on?
This is what I should have asked.

Dangerous waters

I'm treading on dangerous waters. There are sharks here. Giant teeth ready to crack my bones in half. I only just learned to swim, I shouldn't be in this pool. But I am. This won't end well, but maybe it will end soon.

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper

I am writing our ending now. I need to before we begin. It's the only way I'll be ok with anything that happens now. I write it over an over again. In every scenario we only end up hurting each other. Because that's what people do. They find new and innovative ways to hurt each other.

Walk out the door. There are no answers here. Outside is holding them all. Tell me, who do you want to be? Decide right now. No time for self doubt. No time for anything but to move. to act. to be. I started so fast. I've lost all steam. I'm out of fuel. I need my bed. My blanket. endless days to do nothing but rest.

The boy says: you can talk to me, tell me what's wrong.
The girl says: you don't talk to me anymore,  the way you used to.  I'm worried about you.
The friend says: you've been so quiet today.  Are you ok?
The therapist says: it is not enough to know why you do a thing. You must challenge the pathways that have been created in your head.  Choose to do something different.

The different thing here being speaking. These are the things I didn't say:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Apparantly I still can't.