Today I want to delete it all and start over. If only it were that easy. I have a friend who changes her phone frequently and i wonder if it's because she wants to let go of everything over and over again. How cleansing that is. If I don't have your number, I can't ever contact you.

I've slept too long today. Didn't do any of the things I said I would. And days will turn to weeks and weeks will turn to months. I'll be right back where I started. I wish I didn't need sleep. All nighter tonight, like in the olden days.

To get over someone, get under someone else. Years later when we look back on this we'll say, We were always better friends than lovers, and we will be. Better friends than lovers, just need to let go of the desire for validation. I need to find ways to validate myself.

date night

I wonder about all the things I would be doing if my mind wasn't filled with thoughts about him. Being sick is as good an excuse as any not to get out of bed. I don't want to take care of myself because I do not feel worth taking care of. I feel weak and needy and childish. I hate it when I get like this. All it reminds me of is how there is nobody to take care of me. How alone I am. And I want to be the hero in my own story, but I'm just so damn weak. And every bone and nerve and skin cell in my body is yelling at me to leave him before he leaves me.

it was a good date. simple and just the right amount of sweet. the way you grabbed my face and pulled me in for a kiss. The way you held my hand and asked me if I missed you. the way your body jumped towards mine. The way you grabbed my hand the whole time. The way you pressed your body against mine as if we could disappear into each other. The way you jumped and held me when you got scared. The way you let me hold you when I did. The way you danced and sang so carefree as if the world wasn't filled with all kinds of evil things. This is what it means when I said "you were a happy light thing"

Were being the operative word. I wanted to stay staring at you, to witness, to absorb. to remember.

i wanted to ask if you meant it. When you said you missed me. I wanted to ask what you felt when you kissed me. When you said, "why are your lips so damn soft" and when you tried to say something and instead said "words, sorry you made blood flow to a different place" I wanted to say, thank you for making it such a perfect moment. For leaving me wanting more. For pretending, just for one night that we were normal people doing a normal thing. I waned to say, were you pretending? Because I think you must have. Even when you said "next time" somehow the words felt like an ending of sorts.

He said this is wrong, what I'm doing. He said it is too much for someone to take on. He said if this guy is a good guy he will try to fix you and he will never be able to because you have to fix yourself, so he will crumble under the weight of it. I made it mean that I am too much for anyone to handle I made it mean that it is wrong of me to force anyone to have to deal with me. I made it mean that I should leave people alone because if they are good people, they will try to be there for me but really it will be killing them. Really I will be killing them, slowly and painfully. If I'm going to kill myself, the selfish part is in taking other people with me. And that is what I'm doing, every time I force someone to be a witness to this pain, I'm just dragging people along, I'm forcing them to make a decision about who they are. Because nobody wants to be the bad person who says no when someone asks for help.