I am sitting outside a Starbucks on a warm day.
The breeze is blowing my hair everywhere. I have to leave for work in 10 minutes. I could leave now.  But something about the sun. About waiting. The noises of traffic zooming by.
There's a man smoking a cigarette in his car on the edge of the parking lot.  He is waiting too.
The next moment. 
The next lie. 
The next kiss.
Nothing is sad until it is over and then everything is. 
But everything is always over.  Everything is always starting.

Will I get tired soon of starting? Over and over again.  Oh well. I should go.  There's no point in waiting anymore.

But then this happens,  and I don't necessarily know where to put you.  What box do you belong in.  Other than remembering him. When i would much rather reset the clock. I'm trying to put you in a him shaped box. Sorry,  not sorry.

Sometimes I get the feeling that he thinks he is better than me. Me before him would have believed it every time.  Me after him finds it incredibly annoying. Irony,  no?

I am finally admitting that everything is behind me. But thank you for the dreams, and thank you for the memories, and thank you for the knowledge that you exist somewhere out there. That is good enough. That has to be good enough.

I am sad. And what a relief to be sad about something small and normal and explainable. Is losing you a small thing? A normal thing? Explainable? It will be, years from now, it will be.

I wonder how long, before you notice that I've gone? I want to believe it will happen right away, but I know it won't. It's the reason I'm leaving after all. People show you how to treat them and this is the lesson I gave. It's my doing really. Life is happening by me, not to me. Once again, I am not good enough and too much all at once. What is true in one area of your life is true in many areas of your life. I don't know what the lesson is here. What do I do differently next time?

Will there be a next time? Will she get to me before that happens? I want her to.

I made a choice, and it wasn't the same as yours. This is the part where I push you away as hard as I can. Instead I will give my time to ppl who don't deserve it. So much safer that way.

But for how long? When the rest of life fits into the time it takes to grow a human. How much of it do you waste doing things that don't scare you?