I am finally admitting that everything is behind me. But thank you for the dreams, and thank you for the memories, and thank you for the knowledge that you exist somewhere out there. That is good enough. That has to be good enough.

I am sad. And what a relief to be sad about something small and normal and explainable. Is losing you a small thing? A normal thing? Explainable? It will be, years from now, it will be.

I wonder how long, before you notice that I've gone? I want to believe it will happen right away, but I know it won't. It's the reason I'm leaving after all. People show you how to treat them and this is the lesson I gave. It's my doing really. Life is happening by me, not to me. Once again, I am not good enough and too much all at once. What is true in one area of your life is true in many areas of your life. I don't know what the lesson is here. What do I do differently next time?

Will there be a next time? Will she get to me before that happens? I want her to.