How do you explain this moment. It's so quiet here. I don't remember the funeral home. Just the body. The way I wanted to stay looking for as long as I could. They dressed him in clothes he would never wear. His body was so hard.  So cold. He didn't look like he was sleeping.  Everyone always said that they look like they're sleeping,  but he didn't. He just looked dead. They had to pull me away from looking. At the end.  The funeral director was very professional.  Gentle and firm. It's time to go now. It's time.

Here. Now. It's the same quiet. I don't know why I thought it would be loud. It's time to go now. It's time.

I'm finding myself judging people for what they're wearing. I don't remember what I wore. I was so numb. Clothes were such a stupid thing.  Mattered so little in comparison.

I hear them all talking and laughing, sharing memories. Good thoughts.  Taking about the photos.  There was nothing like that then. A family who hated itself, hated each other. Just tears. My dad wanted to escape, I walked away from his offer. Everyone avoids the body,  hangs in the back, talks amongst themselves. I couldn't get enough. This was it, the last.

Maybe I am tired of not being chosen or loved or cared about. Maybe I am ready to choose myself.

Maybe.

And maybe it's just one more relationship in my life where i'm chasing after someone who is never going to love me. Who is never going to choose me.

Do one thing.
Start today.
Repeat again tomorrow.

Sex and food. Can't seem to let go of one without clinging to the other. There is no sex here now or anytime soon. It has not been good on my waistline.

I don't know what it is about today that makes me feel like dying. No lover or past or reason other than me. Other than getting out of bed was too hard. Making it to the gym was too hard. Doing anything but distracting myself with noise and shiny colors.  Just until I could get through the next moment.

Living is such a heavy burden i am being asked to carry. This day. It is heavy. I need a thing to look forward to. I am not enough.

She said,  if you are worthless,  if your life is worthless,  tell me what would make it worthwhile? And I don't have an answer. Are you worthwhile if you give of yourself selflessly? Are you worthwhile if you devote your life to a cause? Something bigger than yourself? Are you worthwhile if you are there in support of those close to you,  enough to make them smile. Are you worthwhile if you eat right and exercise every day and take off yourself and those around you? None of this seems like enough today.

I went to the gym twice last week.  I'm trying not to think of that as a failure. I was so present and motivated at work.  I'm trying not to think of that as a failure. A friend said I love you over and over again. It's like i couldn't hear her. It's like it couldn't get through. I need to write maybe? Untangle it all. So I can get through.