I don't know what it is about today that makes me feel like dying. No lover or past or reason other than me. Other than getting out of bed was too hard. Making it to the gym was too hard. Doing anything but distracting myself with noise and shiny colors.  Just until I could get through the next moment.

Living is such a heavy burden i am being asked to carry. This day. It is heavy. I need a thing to look forward to. I am not enough.

She said,  if you are worthless,  if your life is worthless,  tell me what would make it worthwhile? And I don't have an answer. Are you worthwhile if you give of yourself selflessly? Are you worthwhile if you devote your life to a cause? Something bigger than yourself? Are you worthwhile if you are there in support of those close to you,  enough to make them smile. Are you worthwhile if you eat right and exercise every day and take off yourself and those around you? None of this seems like enough today.

I went to the gym twice last week.  I'm trying not to think of that as a failure. I was so present and motivated at work.  I'm trying not to think of that as a failure. A friend said I love you over and over again. It's like i couldn't hear her. It's like it couldn't get through. I need to write maybe? Untangle it all. So I can get through.