Mr s. i.

It was the way you knew when I kissed you that I was only trying to hide. How you told me no, I don't want kisses right now. Just be with me. It was the way you left your hair in my tub. The way your whole body said you wanted me to stay with you for as long as I could. The way you felt so offended, so betrayed, when I ran away.

And I did. Run away. I don't know what it was about that night that was so different from the first time. Maybe it was the darkness. How infinite and complete. How easy to fall into a past that wasn't real anymore. I was trying so hard to be present for you. To be with you. And you were trying so hard to make me.
"why'd you stop?"
"I'm waiting"
"for what?"
"For you. to come back, to be here"

I don't know if you do it on purpose. I don't know if you think I'm a thing that needs fixing. Please don't try to fix me. I am not broken. Let's just enjoy right now. Let's just enjoy each other. In a few months you'll be gone.

or I will

It was the way you wanted to love me. To give me love. And how I wanted to let you. to show you the dark places and watch you hold them in your hand so delicately. And you wanted me to. Told me it was my vulnerability you enjoyed. My honesty. The way I enjoyed you so much.

It was your arms. It was how you said over and over again, let go, let go, let go. I can see it in your face. You have some kind of hero complex. You think I am a damsel in distress. And I am. And yes your arms could be a safe harbor. And yes you could be just the distraction I need. Just the distraction I want. Your lips, your hair, your arms, your width and breadth.

"stop being so scared" And I stop. You have a way of making me. It is a dangerous power I have given you. "put your hand there" "grab it" "play with yourself" "let go" "let go" "don't be scared" "I am here" "I've got you"

One day all these things will be added to the list of fairy tales. I know you meant it when you say it. You just don't mean forever. You will never make me do anything I don't want to do. I know this. AND for you I will want to do things I have never wanted to before, and never will again.


"What happened to that girl you were seeing"
"What girl?"
"Oh whatever, you know what girl"
"I ended things. I think it was all of 10 minutes into the date"
"oh.... why?"
"You know why."
"tell me"
"she wasn't you"