one
Love me love me love me. here now. right now. you you you mememememememememe me. "I wrote you a song" all puppy dog eyes and "nice guy" darkness circling underneath. It is not right and I want it. Try everything twice and you are a boy who will break something. I so badly want something broken. The drama of it. Hurt people hurt people. I see the type of girl you want, someone hungry for love and wanting to dive into the over affection of it all. So afraid to loose it they'll do anything you say. You are the ultimate red flag boy. There are hospital rooms in your future for a girl you've made afraid of her shadow. A dark silence worth fearing. It's missing from my collection.
two
you're pretty. fuck me. sup? at 2 am and silence. so much silence. I don't know who you are or who you're trying to be. The epitome of fuckboy musician. Will use you and discard you, dark past just begging for a dumb girl who thinks they can change you. I've never collected one of you either, and I want it. All sweat and dirty attic apartment. A collection of records worthy of envy. Snapple bottles filled with cigarette butts. Dirty in very many ways. But oh so gentle and loving and sweet. It's how you pull girls in. Dark humor and intelligence. You boy from the wrong side of the tracks will close down a bar with me and then ask what the next adventure is. And I want it.
three
It felt like fucking myself. Timid girl afraid to cum. Delicate and strong. Wanted to be held after. I told you I was afraid of getting hurt, but really I'm afraid of hurting you. I felt it towards the end. You let me go down on you for over an hour. You tasted like fear and hunger. Spicy and salty and sweet. It didn't feel like an hour. I held you after. Wrapped myself up in your glowing. Let you venture a hopeful wish to spend the night that I dismissed. There was wanting here. On both parts. But not enough. I was fully clothed the entire time and somehow that felt safer. You kissed me. I let you. You climbed on top and I felt it so much that you wanted to feel me, tender and fragile and open. I couldn't. I already knew if I let you I would cry. But I guess that's what happens when you don't get any for 3 years. You want to love me and I don't want to let you. I want to say snide things like "why don't you blah blah blah with one of your other whores. i don't mean it. But hurt people Hurt people, and there's something so intoxicating about breaking a girl's heart
Four
There's this picture in my head. I'm leaning against a desk. You came over to fuck me. I've had a really long day and I'm trying to be in the moment. Trying not to cry. Not looking at you. You see it and pull my face up. And I say something about how what I want from you is not something you can give me. And i'll say it's ok. And I'll say I'm sorry for feeling too much. And I will try so hard not to cry that it's all I'll think about and if there's any kindness from you, I'll loose it. My voice will crack and I'll say "I could really use a friend right now." But I don't know what you're response would be, and I'd rather have you in this way than not at all. Because maybe what I want, is not your friendship or your sex but to have him back. to be loved. to believe in love. What I want from you is not something you can give, you will never be him. I'm so so sorry for feeling so much.
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