Today I counted the days. 52. The longest before I started counting. Before I started looking elsewhere. Before I let the her in to ruin everything. Maybe if I hide away in this corner for a bit, she'll get bored and move along. Maybe she's the one telling me to hide in a corner. Maybe 52 is the longest before you started looking elsewhere. I'm the best, you know. Always the best at being a lover and never a love. I don't know what is real and what's my head trying to take over. Say the facts. Not the story. Say the things you can see in a camera. Everything else I made up. Everything else I made up. 

This isn't real.  I'm Not here.  This isn't happening. 

This is how you let someone go. 

You start with a dash of self hate.

Throw in some depression

Add the self isolation

And I forget

The way my heart filled when you grabbed my hand.

I don't want the long distance.

I want you in my arms

In my bed

Practicing a future we both know will never exist.

Two years,  I said

And then what? You replied

And then i'll be done

With what? You asked

I'll be done. I said. Such finality.

So how can I build anything. 

Best to let things die.

One day i will like you so much,  I won't want to burden you with me.

Don't let me go just yet. 

I need to hold on,  just a little while longer.

Hold my hand.  Just a little bit longer.

I am a terrible person. I am having a thought that I am a terrible person. Because I am. And killing myself won't make anything better. Will not stop me from being a terrible person. Will leave me in this permanent place forever. How do you help someone when being around them makes you remember how much you want to die. I should have never been born in the first place. All I do is take and burn and destroy. I don't deserve any good things ever. I don't deserve anything but this pain.

You're kisses are like cursing in spanish. Heavy and deep and oh so intense. I feel them in my heart. This ache. You make my heart ache. Or maybe this is what it feels like to really feel someone. To let myself be rwal

You let me stop in the middle of sex just to write it down.

Real.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I HATE THIS. 

being a girl who waits. People are never on each other's schedule.

This is why I want to leave it all behind. Even when something is right,  it isn't.

I am unlovable- I am having a thought that I am unloveable.

The more I stay away,  the more I want to stay away. And when we come back to each other,  we won't.  Not really. So maybe you think what's the point. So maybe I think what's the point.

Stop here. Cut your losses. Start over. Again. It's only 2 years, and they'll go by so quickly.