the 3 month rule

Tomorrow it would have been 3 months. I wasn't counting. I never started counting with him. 3 days ago, he said, i need a break. I think it is a kind way of saying,  I'm done with you now.

It's what he said he would do. His pattern.  My pattern too. We have so much in common.

Today is the first day I am sad about it.

A healthy sad. I never needed him. I just so enjoyed everything about him.  About us. Literally everything. How nice to have had that experience. What a gift.

I don't know if he really meant "break" if he thinks us the way we were is a thing he can come back to. I don't know if i want him to. I'm such a rigid person.  So many rules and walls and trap doors. So easy to loose me in that way. Only that way.

Now comes a different me. The friend me. The friend me is caring and attentive. Is everything you need her to be. Will never abandon you, is so good at figuring out what you need and giving it to you for as long as you need it, and then letting you walk away so you never have to see what you were by being around her. 

But oh so closed off. The friend me will never let you hold her again. Any part of her. 

Today I am sad about that. 

Such a rare thing for me, to let somebody hold me.