I still can't see your face without feeling a pang.

Why do I miss you so much,  these last couple days.

Always on days I want to die more than others. 

You are a reminder, an example, of what a terrible person I am. I will never be right, or good, or good enough. For people like you.

I don't trust anybody wants to stay. I get so tired of trying.

Today I am so tired of trying.

It doesn't immobilize me anymore. It's just a state of perpetual being. 

I keep thinking of I hear the right thing from doctors then it'll mean it's not my fault.  But it is. It is it is it is. I won't be a different person. A new diagnosis doesn't keep me from being such a piece of shit. 

Just so fucking tired of trying to convince myself otherwise.