I'm clearly in a downward spiral. But maybe this is the car crash of this year. I suck. I suck so much. New goals I guess. Start from here and try again tomorrow. 

I don't want to be this girl. Waiting by the phone,  feeling like I'm forcing somebody to be here who doesn't want to be. I take all the hints and I turn them into assumptions.

What do I do? In this space? I am taking it all personally. Will I sit with this or find a body to drown in? I don't want to. And I don't want to feel like this. So food? I don't want that either. Suicide. Yes. That's what I want. It is a dangerous place to be in. Fuck. 

Stop counting.  Stop counting.  Stop counting. You only come back when I start to pull away. What is here? 

I wish we were friends. I wish you were my friend. I wish you cared,  and if you do,  I wish I knew.  I wish I felt it. Reading this book is killing me. But maybe there's an answer at the end of it.

Advice is what we ask for when we know the answer but wish we didn't. I know the answer.  I wish I didn't. I've so enjoyed caring about you. Leaving Facebook was a step. How long will i continue to torture myself. Last time it took 2 years and a sociopath. I was done. I guess I need to find another sociopath.

When I think of you.  I feel pathetic.  How long do I want to feel that way? I guess until you move on. When you move on,  I'll have to as well.

I've been wearing my hair the way I did before we were together. Every time it covers my eyes and I have to annoyingly push it away I think of you. The way I drowned in you.  The way you let me. I'm trying to remember who I was before you.  Before them. Before everything and everyone. The youngest picture I have of me is still a girl who was already broken. And my passport photo is a child with ghosts in her eyes. Hair slicked back. I don't remember who I was before that. Only the shame. Only the loneliness. Only the wanting to die.