This is when I'm supposed to notice that maybe things are not going in a good direction. Staying up past midnight on purpose, inappropriate sex, wanting to reach out to people and changing my mind and choosing to isolate instead. Making plans to throw away opportunities that are given to me.  Not letting people help me. Here is an opportunity to do things differently.

Today could be the first day of the rest of my life if I don't screw all this shit up... like I always do...

 I started counting my words again. As if there's a magic number and if I don't go over it, I won't say the thing that pushes everyone over the edge. You can't unsay a thing. You can't unlearn a thing. You think you want to know, but you don't. 

He-

Don't say the me. Stop at rape and it didn't happen to me. I wasn't there. There's still an alibi I can use. It was a thing that happened. It had nothing to do with me. There was no me in that room. those rooms. 

Don't say the raped. Stop at he and don't say anything else. If you stop at he, the world doesn't blow up. The floor doesn't cave away and already everything has been taken so maybe all that's left is a floor. Stop at he and it didn't happen and there's a floor to stand on. A place. to stand. to breathe. to collect myself. Stop at he and you never have to defend the words or explain or give details or wring yourself out to placate someone else's feelings. 

Stop at he and it happens again. Happens to someone else. Stop at he and everything that happens anyway will still be my fault.

They-

Don't say the me. Stop at believe and they might still have found a way to love me. There's still a way to separate one thing from the other. Don't say the me and there's no impossible choice. No decision to make because the thing that didn't happen has nothing to do with me.

Don't say the believed. Stop at the didn't and it doesn't have to make anyone question their faith. Can be a grocery item list to check off. Nothing has happened yet. Nothing ever happened and so there is nobody to blame anything on or ask anything of. No choice to make means there's no wrong choices.

 Because talking to you hurts a little. Leaves me a little wounded. Just when I think you are something I can get over, I don't.

I seek out people who can't love me so I can prove to myself that I am unlovable. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone. Just one more reason why I don't belong here. or anywhere.

 I'm the person who says "Let's hang out soon" not the one it's said to.

I'm the person you fit in because you think you have to but the real celebration happens before and after. I'm not the person who is invited to the party.

If I take enough drugs, and see enough specialists, will it make things feel less alone? Will I feel less unlovable. Unlikeable. Un everything.

We show people how to treat us. What did I do to make me such a terrible person?

And I am.

My therapist says she cannot continue to treat me. Says there's not much she can do for me. Says I have to go into a hospital or she'll refer my case out. I think "don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry" but I still do.

What a relief it will be not going to therapy for a while. Until I break again, as I am oft to do. Which of course means she's right. I clearly need more help than any one person can provide.