I have conversations in my head with you. It's always been better than the real thing.

I find myself thinking about it obsessively. Pick up a knife and wonder at how sharp it is. Stare at my skin as if I'll see the arteries beneath.

Walk across bridges and try to calculate the injuries from the fall. If I'll make it. When I was younger there weren't as many guard rails.

Stare at pill bottles. Would I pass out before I finished swallowing them all? Would I throw up from all the water or alcohol?

You don't ask me how I am anymore.

I try to stop wishing you would.

She wanted to be a whisp of smoke. 

Not a body to find. 

No frightening story to retell at parties.

No puke and bloating and soiled thing left alone too long.

No smell that never left the room.

A whisp of smoke.  

Thinner and thinner,

And just fade away into nothingness

I am

Aimless

There is a difference between people who care and people who don't.

I don't know what's real.

I do know that all I need is to say it out loud and then I can let it go. 

So I say out loud the things that are bothering me. The stories in my head.  

And one responds with the truth that my presence is annoying. And one ignores me and I blame myself. And I believe my worthlessness. And I shut down. And I do not feel safe saying things out loud anymore. And letting him go makes me wish for death every day.

And two says these things in your head, they are not real. Two says I would be so depressed if we stopped being friends. Two also says if this is hurting you, we should stop talking. And I do not know what to believe. I feel safe continuing to say things. And it feels easier to let him go. I do not know what to believe.

And three I do not say the things out loud at all. And letting him go feels like  being abandoned by my family. And he doesn't realize when he hurts me. And that just makes everything worse.

I'm trying not to isolate. I am succeeding. 

My therapist thinks I am getting better. I do not tell her I stay up all night in my car and cry and wish for death. I do not tell her that I do worse and worse in school. I do not tell her I've moved past wanting and I try to figure out how to do it.

And I shower and I sleep and I start taking vitamins again. And I start taking medication again. I do not know what to believe.