She said, you trusted once and everything went to shit. You learned not to trust like you learned to breathe, immediate and automatic.

She said, you loved once, build a future hinged on someone else's happiness, and everything went to shit. You learned not to love like walking, painful and unavoidable.

But I had a friend once who rolled next to me in a wheelchair and taught me that walking is overrated.

And sometimes, when you kiss me, you take my breath away.

I wonder if you know that I am only trying to push you away. None of this is real. I want you to say, something came up, let's meet another time. It would be easier to handle than this mess. Because I go back and forth, wanting you, not wanting you. Being annoyed by you, being surprised by you. Back and forth, and it's so much easier when someone else makes the choice for me. I do not need you yet, and I never want to get to that point.

The girl said, sometimes people stay. But I won't. Stay. The boy said, being with you was great. We had so much fun together, we had the best conversations. There was a wistful look in his eye, like he was remembering a fond memory.

Ten years from now, you and I will be sitting in a cafe and you will ask if I ever loved you, and I will look wistful at a memory and say no, I didn't, but I wish I had. I don't know what you would say.

I still don't know what to make of things.  Of you. Every day I run away,  every day I come back.  I don't know how to ask.  I don't know what the question is.

When did I stop trusting myself? When did I start? Are we born that way? Trusting? Like mindless pets. Listen to her,  she said.  Listen to her,  and hold her,  and buy her things,  and read her favorite book,  and love her so much that it spills out. Love her so much that there won't be any room left for fear or sad or angry or broken,  or hurt.

There is a lifetime left here. Or maybe just nine months. Remember that my dear.  When things are hard.  Remember that.

Because they were love letters really.  All those notes passed back and forth. Because that's what it was to let love in. To say, I am here, i am with you, your smile is my happy place too.

Today was a good day. One good day in this sea of bad. And there are so few joyful things in this world.

I cut myself off.  From everything.  From everyone.  And now there is nothing left but me. And I am not enough.

The are noises in the dark.  Echoes and ghosts.  I'm trapped.  I can't move.  Won't move. Things go bump in the night.  The walls are getting tighter.  I don't know how to get out of here. Why is this.... over and over again.  What a dangerous place this is. What a lonely place this is. She is coming,  closer and closer.  I don't know how to get away. I am crumbling.

Maybe it's time I start thinking about medication.

What are you doing? This is not allowed. You weren't supposed to be here.  But you kept at it, kept poking and prodding and being there. Don't you know if you keep following this path you'll end up in a place you don't want to be in. You will end up hurting me and you don't want to do that.

Dear ghost boy, every day it hurts a little less. Every day it hurts a little more.

I'm giving you a chance to surprise me. But I'm already mourning this future loss.  This past loss.

Always mourning.
Can't seem to put you down, put you away. Don't want to.

We used to be so honest with each other, and now all I do is not say and not say. But it's easy to say when things are easy, and nothing is going on. Not now, now there are worlds building in my head, all the what if's and maybes and scares and feelings. So much filling up inside me from all the not saying.

Ten years from now i'll be sitting at a diner with him having a club sandwich with sweet potato fries. Picking at my food. Not really trying. And I will say, there was a boy once. He was a boy pretending to be a man, and I was a woman pretending to be a girl. It will be true.

But will there be a 10 years from now?