Mr s. i.

It was the way you knew when I kissed you that I was only trying to hide. How you told me no, I don't want kisses right now. Just be with me. It was the way you left your hair in my tub. The way your whole body said you wanted me to stay with you for as long as I could. The way you felt so offended, so betrayed, when I ran away.

And I did. Run away. I don't know what it was about that night that was so different from the first time. Maybe it was the darkness. How infinite and complete. How easy to fall into a past that wasn't real anymore. I was trying so hard to be present for you. To be with you. And you were trying so hard to make me.
"why'd you stop?"
"I'm waiting"
"for what?"
"For you. to come back, to be here"

I don't know if you do it on purpose. I don't know if you think I'm a thing that needs fixing. Please don't try to fix me. I am not broken. Let's just enjoy right now. Let's just enjoy each other. In a few months you'll be gone.

or I will

It was the way you wanted to love me. To give me love. And how I wanted to let you. to show you the dark places and watch you hold them in your hand so delicately. And you wanted me to. Told me it was my vulnerability you enjoyed. My honesty. The way I enjoyed you so much.

It was your arms. It was how you said over and over again, let go, let go, let go. I can see it in your face. You have some kind of hero complex. You think I am a damsel in distress. And I am. And yes your arms could be a safe harbor. And yes you could be just the distraction I need. Just the distraction I want. Your lips, your hair, your arms, your width and breadth.

"stop being so scared" And I stop. You have a way of making me. It is a dangerous power I have given you. "put your hand there" "grab it" "play with yourself" "let go" "let go" "don't be scared" "I am here" "I've got you"

One day all these things will be added to the list of fairy tales. I know you meant it when you say it. You just don't mean forever. You will never make me do anything I don't want to do. I know this. AND for you I will want to do things I have never wanted to before, and never will again.


"What happened to that girl you were seeing"
"What girl?"
"Oh whatever, you know what girl"
"I ended things. I think it was all of 10 minutes into the date"
"oh.... why?"
"You know why."
"tell me"
"she wasn't you"

Dating on Tinder be like

one
Love me love me love me. here now. right now. you you you mememememememememe me. "I wrote you a song" all puppy dog eyes and "nice guy" darkness circling underneath. It is not right and I want it. Try everything twice and you are a boy who will break something. I so badly want something broken. The drama of it. Hurt people hurt people. I see the type of girl you want, someone hungry for love and wanting to dive into the over affection of it all. So afraid to loose it they'll do anything you say. You are the ultimate red flag boy. There are hospital rooms in your future for a girl you've made afraid of her shadow. A dark silence worth fearing. It's missing from my collection.

two
you're pretty. fuck me. sup? at 2 am and silence. so much silence. I don't know who you are or who you're trying to be. The epitome of fuckboy musician. Will use you and discard you, dark past just begging for a dumb girl who thinks they can change you. I've never collected one of you either, and I want it. All sweat and dirty attic apartment. A collection of records worthy of envy. Snapple bottles filled with cigarette butts. Dirty in very many ways. But oh so gentle and loving and sweet. It's how you pull girls in. Dark humor and intelligence. You boy from the wrong side of the tracks will close down a bar with me and then ask what the next adventure is. And I want it.

three
It felt like fucking myself. Timid girl afraid to cum. Delicate and strong. Wanted to be held after. I told you I was afraid of getting hurt, but really I'm afraid of hurting you. I felt it towards the end. You let me go down on you for over an hour. You tasted like fear and hunger. Spicy and salty and sweet. It didn't feel like an hour. I held you after. Wrapped myself up in your glowing. Let you venture a hopeful wish to spend the night that I dismissed. There was wanting here. On both parts. But not enough. I was fully clothed the entire time and somehow that felt safer. You kissed me. I let you. You climbed on top and I felt it so much that you wanted to feel me, tender and fragile and open. I couldn't. I already knew if I let you I would cry. But I guess that's what happens when you don't get any for 3 years. You want to love me and I don't want to let you. I want to say snide things like "why don't you blah blah blah with one of your other whores. i don't mean it. But hurt people Hurt people, and there's something so intoxicating about breaking a girl's heart

Four
There's this picture in my head. I'm leaning against a desk. You came over to fuck me. I've had a really long day and I'm trying to be in the moment. Trying not to cry. Not looking at you. You see it and pull my face up. And I say something about how what I want from you is not something you can give me. And i'll say it's ok. And I'll say I'm sorry for feeling too much. And I will try so hard not to cry that it's all I'll think about and if there's any kindness from you, I'll loose it. My voice will crack and I'll say "I could really use a friend right now." But I don't know what you're response would be, and I'd rather have you in this way than not at all. Because maybe what I want, is not your friendship or your sex but to have him back. to be loved. to believe in love. What I want from you is not something you can give, you will never be him. I'm so so sorry for feeling so much.

This is me drowning and you are the trigger. The rule is, how do you feel after right? And i was doing so well until you showed up again. But I don't know how to stop. Time doesn't heal all wounds, you have to do something about it.

I don't know what's the real story of us and what's the story from this rabbit hole.
I lay awake this morning crying over you.
This is the second time you've done this to me. One more and it becomes a habit. So let's reset the clock. If you're just a habit that I have to break, I can clear my system in 90 days.

I should have never had you in my space.
You're everywhere now.
Lesson learned.