I have lived a life surrounded in dishonesty. In hiding.  I am an honest person. It has caused quite the cognitive dissonance.

Today the universe keeps saying slow down.  Stop. You're going to fast. And I am.  Barreling through to some kind of end. I am in a hurry.  I want to get there. Faster. So I skipped the expressway because I don't feel myself.

What a sentence. I don't feel myself.  As if I knew the self that is me.  As if I have ever felt anything other than this emptiness. This desire to destroy myself. A better sentence is I skipped the expressway because I felt too myself.

I keep thinking about medication.
But I don't want to get better. I just want to make it through the day without figuring out how to kill myself. Although I imagine that's what medication will do for me. Make it so I can get through the days.

There is no right way.  No perfect plan.  One day I just gotta do it and hope I don't survive.

The problem you see, is that the only thing keeping me alive right now is the fact that people would be hurt if I died.  It would be uncomfortable.  An inconvenience. What an inconvenient person I am. Best stay away.

One day we'll be gone so long from each other's lives that i'll stop counting the days. And you never counted in the first place.