The thing I do not say out loud is that I wish things were like when we first met. Talking all the time, you would tell me everything and so would I. And fuck I felt so free. You made me feel so free. You still do. Every time we talk, darling I feel so free. You do not stay. I am not good enough to make you stay. You said "it feels like it's everything or nothing with you" and I agree. And since we are not everything, we have to be nothing instead. Tomorrow I'll forget the way you made me laugh. Tomorrow I'll forget your voice and your calm and your everything. And I'll be back to myself. And I'll want to die. I want to say "Can we go back? Can we talk the way we used to because everything is so scary in my head. Everything is so hard except when you're with me." And there will be pity in your eyes. And maybe you'll stay, and maybe you'll go. And either way I'll die one day. And either way I'll die one day. It's everything or nothing with me isn't it. Go away my darling. It'll hurt too much one day. There won't be any coming back. No hello five years later where we catch up. Only nothing left.

I dated a sociopath once. He took pleasure in playing with my emotions. You are nothing like him. Kind, and caring and honest. Still, you love me the way he did, which is to say, not at all.

Sometimes I have a bad dream.  And in the morning I find i can't leave my room until the apartment is empty. I'll sit there rocking back and forth because I have to pee so badly,  but I can hear signs of life outside my door.

And i get scared. And I'm a child watching nazi movies to get tips on hiding.

I don't know why i do this. This is my home.  I am safe. Nobody is going to hurt me here. I don't have to hide anymore.  I never have to hide again.  Just go fucking pee!