The thing I do not say out loud is that I wish things were like when we first met. Talking all the time, you would tell me everything and so would I. And fuck I felt so free. You made me feel so free. You still do. Every time we talk, darling I feel so free. You do not stay. I am not good enough to make you stay. You said "it feels like it's everything or nothing with you" and I agree. And since we are not everything, we have to be nothing instead. Tomorrow I'll forget the way you made me laugh. Tomorrow I'll forget your voice and your calm and your everything. And I'll be back to myself. And I'll want to die. I want to say "Can we go back? Can we talk the way we used to because everything is so scary in my head. Everything is so hard except when you're with me." And there will be pity in your eyes. And maybe you'll stay, and maybe you'll go. And either way I'll die one day. And either way I'll die one day. It's everything or nothing with me isn't it. Go away my darling. It'll hurt too much one day. There won't be any coming back. No hello five years later where we catch up. Only nothing left.