She said remind yourself that things are different now. 

I don't want to be here

     Things are different now

Dying would be easier

      Things are different now

Dying would be harder

      Things are different now. 

I am spoiled milk kept in the fridge long past the expiration date. As I am oft to do.

I'm careless like that

Should have been thrown out long ago

Can't unspoil milk.

She asks me how I'm feeling and tells me spoiled milk and careless are not feelings. She says feelings are physical.  They can be localized in your body.

Like sad is in your chest when you know you're the problem.  You're always the problem, so you try to make your heart smaller. To feel less and care less and you squeeze until it hurts.

Like angry is in your throat when you know nothing you say will matter so why bother saying anything at all.

Like resigned is in the shoulders when you know you don't matter,  you'll be gone eventually so you carry resigned like a backpack and you fill it with only the essentials: as many books as you can carry

 and you stay gone as much as you can.

Things are different now

-- maybe I was meant to be cheese

We used to have the same argument over and over again.  How do you expect me to believe in God when God isn't real.  I forget what she used to say. I was too committed to my atheism. Something about how there was all this evidence of God's existence and I was choosing to believe God wasn't real. But evidence is only evidence of you believe its evidence. 

I wish I could reach out and ask her, but you're supposed to stay gone when someone lets you go. It's impolite to do otherwise. Some days being polite is all I have left in me to be.