Incomplete dream sequence

You were the 50 foot man terrorizing the city and I was the woman who drove you there. A serial killer maybe. We were watching the documentary of us. You had a discount and wanted to see it.  You didn't know it was about us. Because back then you didn't know there was an us.

It's like i'm not happy unless i'm working on breaking someone's heart.

Mostly mine to be honest

I wish I could give in to the things my body wants to do with her. It's so validating. Because even with the him who keeps taking over my psyche,  I don't feel this way when we're together. If he kisses me it wakes my body upand then I want him,  then I want to reach for him,  to feel him on me. in me. If he kisses me. If he starts it. Until then,  my body stays asleep. He is my friend and I care for him as a friend,  am afraid to lose him as a friend. Get scared to be rejected as a friend.

With her,  it is her presence that wakes up my body. Her existence in my space.

But I don't think about her when she's not around the way I do about him.

What does that mean?

Day 4 edit

Bitch texted me half an hour later. It doesn't count,  right?

Tell me why it made me cry. Tell me why it made things better.

Tell me why he makes me feel less alone.

I tried to delete him from my life.

I don't know what's real and what's in my head.

But I do feel alone. So find a partner. Find a body to come home to.

Or don't.  There's a deadline. I'll only be hurting them if I stay.

Day 4

Day 4 only has 5 hours left in it. I can do anything for 5 hours. Maybe not ANYTHING
But certainly staying away is something I can do.
Here then is the measure of love. One hurts. Hurts to look at,  hurts to think about. Hurts to remember. The other... a one night stand over staying its welcome. I don't know why I got so attached. When was the moment? When I could have turned back,  turned away,  and didn't.
The car maybe? The ride that one time when he started rapping and his whole demeanor changed?
Was it the day after the first time,  when we had dinner and every moment I was trying to convince myself to break things off with him but didn't.  And after dinner,  being so open and honest and vulnerable and him holding my hand. Making everything ok. Standing by while I used him to heal myself. Maybe it was everything. Maybe it's because he reminds me so much of someone else.
Either way.  It's almost over. I can always bring the deadline back if I really need to. And I want to. I do. So much.

I am so good at being wanted at night.  Not so much the morning after.

Hanging on to things that aren't there. People who don't want to stay. There is no love here. I'd like to go now.

Let me go please.
Everyone.
Me.
Let me go.

My blood is on his sheets.
I thought of you the entire time.

She said, it's about how you feel after. And after,  I feel cold,  and empty,  and alone. But before i also feel cold and empty and alone. It's only when you're here that the world doesn't feel so bad.

I'll say aren't you proud of me,  I haven't reached out in a week. Or more. She'll say,  has he? And there will be pity in that question because we both know what the answer will be. Going for 6 days. Clearing my system a little at a time. Today is day 3, i'm practically half way there. I just have to make it through the day. Tomorrow i'll have work all day and saturday I'll have work all day and then going to see Josh. And sunday i'll sleep in until I have to be at work so i'll be fine. It's practically monday already. And monday will be day 7.

I wished you cared. And you don't. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.

Stop it.

It's just hormones
It's just PMS
Tomorrow will be easier

Let them go. Let them all go.

She's coming now. Like a horror movie monster you can't out run.

Get through the day. Clean.  Cook. Exercise. Eventually it will all be over.
Shrink into a tiny ball. Disappear.

Counting the days but at least not the hours.

How did you carve a space in my heart?
Why do I let it ache for you?

I never thought of you as anything other than permanent.

I am not a fun person, that is to say, I am not the person one thinks of and says, let's call her, so much fun!

I am a 1 on 1 person, I am a change your life with a deep conversation that lasts all night person. I am a she'll be there when we need her person. Dependable. Strong. A rock.

Who wants to carry a rock around to the party or the movie or the game or just to be. Put a rock in the middle of the room and all it will do is get in the way, you'll have to walk around it. Unmovable.

People have lives. And what is life but the people and places you surround yourself with. I am not a people or place worth surrounding.

And when this happens. When I get like this, I can't help thinking.  Good. Keep it up. If the reason i'm staying is for people, all I have to do is stop trying and the people will go and then I will go. Slip away. So quiet, I won't be noticed. When there is nobody left. I can go. I can go.

She's crawling in bed with me. And in the morning I say, I want to leave and she won't let me. Still it is only today I must get through. Only today.

I don't know what this means and maybe it doesn't mean anything.

But I definitely want to push people away right now. It's just a very sad thing,  that no pushing has to happen. All I have to do is stop reaching out. But if I say it out loud, i'm being over dramatic.  I'm being too emotional.

What does it say about me, that I have to work so hard to keep people in my life.