It's like i'm not happy unless i'm working on breaking someone's heart.

Mostly mine to be honest

I wish I could give in to the things my body wants to do with her. It's so validating. Because even with the him who keeps taking over my psyche,  I don't feel this way when we're together. If he kisses me it wakes my body upand then I want him,  then I want to reach for him,  to feel him on me. in me. If he kisses me. If he starts it. Until then,  my body stays asleep. He is my friend and I care for him as a friend,  am afraid to lose him as a friend. Get scared to be rejected as a friend.

With her,  it is her presence that wakes up my body. Her existence in my space.

But I don't think about her when she's not around the way I do about him.

What does that mean?