I started counting my words again. As if there's a magic number and if I don't go over it, I won't say the thing that pushes everyone over the edge. You can't unsay a thing. You can't unlearn a thing. You think you want to know, but you don't. 

He-

Don't say the me. Stop at rape and it didn't happen to me. I wasn't there. There's still an alibi I can use. It was a thing that happened. It had nothing to do with me. There was no me in that room. those rooms. 

Don't say the raped. Stop at he and don't say anything else. If you stop at he, the world doesn't blow up. The floor doesn't cave away and already everything has been taken so maybe all that's left is a floor. Stop at he and it didn't happen and there's a floor to stand on. A place. to stand. to breathe. to collect myself. Stop at he and you never have to defend the words or explain or give details or wring yourself out to placate someone else's feelings. 

Stop at he and it happens again. Happens to someone else. Stop at he and everything that happens anyway will still be my fault.

They-

Don't say the me. Stop at believe and they might still have found a way to love me. There's still a way to separate one thing from the other. Don't say the me and there's no impossible choice. No decision to make because the thing that didn't happen has nothing to do with me.

Don't say the believed. Stop at the didn't and it doesn't have to make anyone question their faith. Can be a grocery item list to check off. Nothing has happened yet. Nothing ever happened and so there is nobody to blame anything on or ask anything of. No choice to make means there's no wrong choices.