She is building me a coffin. She steals the energy from me. And when you kiss me and I let you, and when you walk away and I let you. She slips in, takes your place, holds me at night, when you don't. So often you don't. She is there. And it feels like she is getting stronger every day and I am getting weaker.
She is whispering in my ear these thoughts. She says, swearve the car just a little to the left. Onto the oncoming truck. You won't feel a thing. It was just an accident. But that's not true. A car accident wouldn't be good, the other driver, Any passengers they had, their families and loved ones.
She says go get sleeping pills, like last time. But last time didn't work and pills are expensive and someone would have to find the body and pack up my stuff. She says: What an inconvenience, even in death, especially in death. What an inconvenience I am. This isn't fair to anyone. To burden anyone with me. She whispers so nobody else can hear except for me. She twists everything. She lies. These things are not true. She says: you are unlovable. She says: you are broken. You will always be broken.
If I close my eyes and cover my ears. If I hide out here in the car, in the dark. Maybe the monster will be gone when I finally get inside.
I'm afraid of cleaning when I get like this. Because it always feels like I'm cleaning up for people who will come in to find the body. Like it's stupid but a messy apartment keeps me alive.
I think i loved a girl once, maybe. And even though she didn't love me the way I wanted, knowing I could love was enough. But the girl is gone and she took the love with her. And all I have left is the heart you broke ten years ago. It's in too many pieces for me to ever give it away again, even to myself. Especially to myself.
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