Today I keep deleting the first line over and over again. I've sat in front of this laptop for an hour now with nothing to show for myself other than things don't change, they can't. Here are some deleted first lines:

There was a boy once-- there is always a boy isn't there? in that annoying way they have of being.

I was going to tell you about my name, how you gave it to me. It was from a joke but when you said it, I was crying and you were trying not to touch me, not to comfort, and so you whispered it with such tenderness that it became my home. Once, you were the boy.

I keep telling myself I am not broken, say it over and over again until I can believe it. The truth is maybe I want to be, because broken things can be fixed. In china they fix them with gold so a thing can only be beautiful after it is broken.

There was a girl, and she was yelling at a boy, telling him to walk away. He didn't. But that doesn't happen in real life. In real life, If I push you away enough times, you will actually leave. We keep pushing each other away, don't we? I don't know how to let you love me. I have only let you in this far because you promised me you wouldn't love me. It's so much safer here. lonelier too. We keep playing with fire. I don't know if I want to get burned.

There was a girl once. I still love hearing the sound of her voice. I think sometimes about the after. All the places I have left MY voice for others to take comfort in. There are so few, and I have so much left to say.