Today is easier

Today I got up. The gym was a thing. Pampering myself was a thing. Making plans to see people was a thing. And the night was not as difficult. And there are no voices or echoes. Tomorrow will be good too. Tomorrow cleaning will be a thing and the gym will be a thing. I bought groceries today too. Not a lot. Just enough.  I will take such good care of myself this week. Look at me, planning life in weeks and not days. Not hours. Not minutes. Not seconds. Planning life. Like I want it.

Seriously though.  Like the smallest wind will blow me away. Like expensive China breaking over and over again. Like the moment before falling when the ground is still rushing at you; massive and inevitable.

I want so badly to give up today. Need to detox. From my life.

What's the point of anything.

Dear boy, If they ask, I will tell them that when the grief and sorrow turned me into water,  you became a fish. Found a way to swim through me. You felt so weightless.

I will tell them that the day I knew I would love you one day happened not when you fixed my broken places or when your arms became my home, but rather when you let me do the same for you.

Dear boy, if they ask, I will say that we were always only temporary and we knew it, but it only served to make our time together all the more special. I will tell them of the way we laughed for hours about nothing and everything.

I will say you sprang forth from the pages of a comic, all superhero and tragic and fantasy world made up. And when you leapt from the pages, the stories came with you stuck on your back like a Cape of words.

Dear boy, if they ask, I will say it was the way we recognized nothing in each other that we could really see each other. There was no painful history to draw from. There was no duplicate shadow lingering in your eyes.

I will tell them about the way you cupped my chin with your fingers when I wouldn't look at you in the eyes. The way you made me see even when I didn't want to, and I was so much better for it. When you saw me disappearing into my mind, the way you tethered me back to earth, to your arms, to your smile.

Dear boy, if they ask, I will not tell them how we ended, or that there were so many tears in the end. I will show them how we began, and all the beauty we gave each other. I will say thank you into the ether and hope the words find their way to you.

SVU

Whatever person I choose should be my choice.

When I'm ready to see someone that way,  I will.

It'll mean something to me and it'll come from me

and it won't be about what was done to me.

Every relationship ever has been about what was done to me. None have ever come from me. This.  This.  Is how I know we are not right for each other any further than this band aid.

It is a selfish thing people do.  Rely on each other for anything.

Today I want to delete it all and start over. If only it were that easy. I have a friend who changes her phone frequently and i wonder if it's because she wants to let go of everything over and over again. How cleansing that is. If I don't have your number, I can't ever contact you.

I've slept too long today. Didn't do any of the things I said I would. And days will turn to weeks and weeks will turn to months. I'll be right back where I started. I wish I didn't need sleep. All nighter tonight, like in the olden days.

To get over someone, get under someone else. Years later when we look back on this we'll say, We were always better friends than lovers, and we will be. Better friends than lovers, just need to let go of the desire for validation. I need to find ways to validate myself.

date night

I wonder about all the things I would be doing if my mind wasn't filled with thoughts about him. Being sick is as good an excuse as any not to get out of bed. I don't want to take care of myself because I do not feel worth taking care of. I feel weak and needy and childish. I hate it when I get like this. All it reminds me of is how there is nobody to take care of me. How alone I am. And I want to be the hero in my own story, but I'm just so damn weak. And every bone and nerve and skin cell in my body is yelling at me to leave him before he leaves me.

it was a good date. simple and just the right amount of sweet. the way you grabbed my face and pulled me in for a kiss. The way you held my hand and asked me if I missed you. the way your body jumped towards mine. The way you grabbed my hand the whole time. The way you pressed your body against mine as if we could disappear into each other. The way you jumped and held me when you got scared. The way you let me hold you when I did. The way you danced and sang so carefree as if the world wasn't filled with all kinds of evil things. This is what it means when I said "you were a happy light thing"

Were being the operative word. I wanted to stay staring at you, to witness, to absorb. to remember.

i wanted to ask if you meant it. When you said you missed me. I wanted to ask what you felt when you kissed me. When you said, "why are your lips so damn soft" and when you tried to say something and instead said "words, sorry you made blood flow to a different place" I wanted to say, thank you for making it such a perfect moment. For leaving me wanting more. For pretending, just for one night that we were normal people doing a normal thing. I waned to say, were you pretending? Because I think you must have. Even when you said "next time" somehow the words felt like an ending of sorts.

He said this is wrong, what I'm doing. He said it is too much for someone to take on. He said if this guy is a good guy he will try to fix you and he will never be able to because you have to fix yourself, so he will crumble under the weight of it. I made it mean that I am too much for anyone to handle I made it mean that it is wrong of me to force anyone to have to deal with me. I made it mean that I should leave people alone because if they are good people, they will try to be there for me but really it will be killing them. Really I will be killing them, slowly and painfully. If I'm going to kill myself, the selfish part is in taking other people with me. And that is what I'm doing, every time I force someone to be a witness to this pain, I'm just dragging people along, I'm forcing them to make a decision about who they are. Because nobody wants to be the bad person who says no when someone asks for help.

Feeling things is hard. I get it, wanting to disappear into a fog of the immediacy

Last night I felt so full of possibility. Like my skin was vibrating with all the possible things it could do.

Then there was the giggle loop over and over again. It was like being above the line to the extreme.

Mostly I wanted to sleep. Mostly what  my body wanted was to be quiet and calm and sleep for a very long time.

And I did. I slept all day and went to therapy and then slept the rest of the day. Finally woke up a couple hours ago.

I'm going back to bed. I don't feel well. not well at all.

Entonces,  que haces? Como decides,  a quien escoges?

Every conversation that I have with you in my head never lives up to reality. You were always so much more interesting in my mind. The longer you stay away, the more I miss you. It's only when you are here the illusion is shattered. Only when you speak and act and feel in my presence. Go away darling. But please come back.

It was an adele song.

Hello, it's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet. To go over everything.

And we did. And it was perfect. It was
Remember that time you made love to me and I let you.  Remember that time being together was easy and light. Remember the time we were so full of emotions and feelings and wants and needs and were just exactly what we needed for each other.

Choose to believe that the words that linger in your mind are only echoes from a life you don't have anymore.  A life you don't need anymore. Choose to do something different. Choose to be kind to yourself when if you don't believe you deserve kindness.  And it will be hard and it will be painful. And it will be beautiful.

The thing I am trying to decide is wether I am doing this because I want to or because I don't think I deserve better. Am I helping or hurting myself? Or both?

4am comes every day, like clockwork

She is building me a coffin. She steals the energy from me. And when you kiss me and I let you, and when you walk away and I let you. She slips in, takes your place, holds me at night, when you don't. So often you don't.  She is there. And it feels like she is getting stronger every day and I am getting weaker.

She is whispering in my ear these thoughts.  She says, swearve the car just a little to the left. Onto the oncoming truck. You won't feel a thing. It was just an accident. But that's not true.  A car accident wouldn't be good, the other driver,  Any passengers they had,  their families and loved ones.
She says go get sleeping pills, like last time. But last time didn't work and pills are expensive and someone would have to find the body and pack up my stuff. She says: What an inconvenience, even in death, especially in death. What an inconvenience I am. This isn't fair to anyone. To burden anyone with me. She whispers so nobody else can hear except for me. She twists everything. She lies. These things are not true. She says: you are unlovable. She says: you are broken. You will always be broken.

If I close my eyes and cover my ears. If I hide out here in the car, in the dark. Maybe the monster will be gone when I finally get inside.

I'm afraid of cleaning when I get like this.  Because it always feels like I'm cleaning up for people who will come in to find the body.  Like it's stupid but a messy apartment keeps me alive.

I think i loved a girl once,  maybe. And even though she didn't love me the way I wanted,  knowing I could love was enough. But the girl is gone and she took the love with her. And all I have left is the heart you broke ten years ago. It's in too many pieces for me to ever give it away again, even to myself. Especially to myself.

Current mood: Despondent

There's a joke here. What gets bigger the more you take away? A hole! Get it? Hahaha.

I want to hide from the world now. I'm done. With healing. With experimenting. With dating. Dark rooms. The TV always on because there has to be some kind of noise in the background right? To drown out all the noise we make. To stifle the sounds. Lock it up. Put it away. This is not good or real. Nothing is good or real. Nothing is bad or fake either. We make it all up. In the end, there is nothing but stories and the people unlucky enough to live to tell them.

If these things affect me this strongly, that means I'm not ready.  If giving a heart away makes it crumble that means I still need to keep holding it until the glue dries.  I am not lonely. I do not need a partner, instead i need to stop trying to distract myself with distractions.  Because it would be so easy to wrap myself up in another person.  Their wants their needs.  So easy to avoid my own.

This is what i made it mean: i attract people who are bad for me. People who will use and hurt me. This is what I made it mean: I am wrong and broken and there is something so wrong with me that everyone can tell I am someone to take advantage of. This is what I made it mean: love is not unconditional. Love is not kind,  love is not patient. This is what I made it mean: I am unlovable. I am not worthy of respect. This is what I made it mean: hide,  withdraw, push everyone away. There is nobody to trust but yourself.

Sometimes people don't leave. Sometimes they still reach out decades in. Sometimes they love you enough to be happy when you are happy.  Sometimes they will drive around the park all morning while you cry about some damn nightmare that doesn't mean anything.

Drinking

Having such a good time.  I missed her. Not her exactly,  but who I am when she's around.  That's the her I missed.

Say goodbye,  to him. Let it go. Since people,  most people,  are not strong enough to handle it. I should know this.  Let it go.  Let it go.  Let him go.  Move on.  A mantra. A whisper not said out loud. Never say it out loud.  Let it go.  Let it go.

OMG, stop being such a girl.

Nothing ever changes

When you left,  you took my life with you. And it took me a decade to remember what it was like to be alive. I just realized I'm picking up right where I left off. It's ten years later and here I am telling a boy I don't want to be in a relationship and whispering in his ear to make love to me. Both on the same day. Here I am missing a girl who lives across the country. It's 10 years later and still I am running into her arms on some crowded airport. Still waiting. Still unsure of myself. Am I doing more harm than good. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak? Yes. Definitely setting myself up. My heart is begging to be broken, if only to remember it still can. Because right now I have no idea. It's in so many pieces from when you left that I simply don't believe in love anymore.

I told him

This wasn't the hardest thing that I have ever done. Not even close. And yes it would have been so much easier to run and hide and fade. Stupid therapy. I feel like I'm becoming whole. I want to cry from joy but more importantly I want to continue trying to live this life. 

It is such a curious place though. So precarious. If I'm being honest, she is back. I thought she had left for good but she hasn't. She is knocking at the door. politely. Like: Hey, I'm here if you need me. But at least she is not demanding to be let inside. I think though, that she is distracted building me a coffin. 

Poem

This is where fear starts. In between coming and going. In between alive and death. She comes to me at night.  Climbs on my back. Tells me I'm such a pretty thing as she tears sharp fingernails inside. She says
Don't
Says Hide
Says Run
Says Protect
Says Close your eyes
Don't you know monsters can't see you if you close your eyes.
She whispers sweet nothings in my ear while she sews up all my soft places. Pours cement so no one can get through. Makes me a coffin to live in with her. Paints shiny pictures on the inside so I forget there was a world once.
I was a girl once
So long ago
Before I became this sharp edged thing.

Stop it, you're using him

When I remember that I am a horrible person who sucks at life and romantic entanglements, I realize it's better if I'm alone. But that's what i am anyway.

It's 3 am again.
How do you give your heart away when you know it's only going to get trampled on?
This is what I should have asked.

Dangerous waters

I'm treading on dangerous waters. There are sharks here. Giant teeth ready to crack my bones in half. I only just learned to swim, I shouldn't be in this pool. But I am. This won't end well, but maybe it will end soon.

This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a whimper

I am writing our ending now. I need to before we begin. It's the only way I'll be ok with anything that happens now. I write it over an over again. In every scenario we only end up hurting each other. Because that's what people do. They find new and innovative ways to hurt each other.

Walk out the door. There are no answers here. Outside is holding them all. Tell me, who do you want to be? Decide right now. No time for self doubt. No time for anything but to move. to act. to be. I started so fast. I've lost all steam. I'm out of fuel. I need my bed. My blanket. endless days to do nothing but rest.

The boy says: you can talk to me, tell me what's wrong.
The girl says: you don't talk to me anymore,  the way you used to.  I'm worried about you.
The friend says: you've been so quiet today.  Are you ok?
The therapist says: it is not enough to know why you do a thing. You must challenge the pathways that have been created in your head.  Choose to do something different.

The different thing here being speaking. These are the things I didn't say:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Apparantly I still can't.

Don't you know you are suffocating me.  I am drowning.  I can't breathe.

You are the vine squeezing.

Why does heading towards life have to feel like heading towards destruction.

I am not doing a very good job with things at the moment.  I am sitting literally unable to move.  Can't I just go home please.  Just for the next couple weeks.  Until all this is over. Until breathing isn't so hard.

If you know why a thing is happening,  it doesn't make the thing go away,  or make it any easier. How do you pretend to be human,  to be alive,  when everything you were died so long ago.

There's a story in here somewhere.  About the virgin mother. Making me woman,  giving me life.  But really she was a jealous God.  She wanted someone to be made in her image.  She didn't think things through.  Never considered what it is to trap someone inside a human body who was never supposed to be born. She was being vain and ignorant.

The beginning of the end

Everything dies. Everything ends. Everything always turns bitter and wrong.  I see the ending before we even begin.  This is how I know one day one of us will hurt the other. Everywhere I turn these days I am seeing into the past.  When S and I first began.  The glowing ignorant naivete. How we forgot it.

There were two people,  and one was calling her my girl in a way that said possession,  happiness,  falling in love.  The other said,  how do I trust her,  why am I here; in a way that said anger,  fear,  dislike,  mistrust. I know where the latter came from,  but I didn't know the former had ever existed.

And what is here now? A choice to become a friend,  a choice to block any present and future anything more than friends because all I know how to do is ruin and break and fear.  And she means more to me,  is too good for me, deserves so much better than me.

Brave

She called me brave.  But brave is only something you can be when you are scared but show up anyway,  I have never been brave.  I run away from everything that scares me. I wait, sometimes too late,  until i think I'm ready.  I do not jump in feet first into the abyss.  I never have.

So i know she is talking about herself.

So long ago he said du courage ma petit have courage my dear.  Be brave. And I wasn't. I slept in his bed and woke up screaming and crying and kicking every time.  And the bed is gone.  And he is gone.  And I still wake up crying and kicking and screaming sometimes.

Goodbye part 2

What a gift you gave me.  Closure and freedom.  One more reason to love you. And yes I still miss you every day.

Goodbye

I'm visiting all our old places.  I'm trying to say goodbye.  I can't tell if these thoughts are memories or bruises.  Dark marks left behind.

Tears and night

What do I do now without your voice to fill this void. This emptiness.  These tears.